Happy Mother's day 2011

Life is so hectic and mechanical, running between school to day care to work. Then weekends it is running between errands to kids classes to social activities. Sometimes I feel like if only I had a remote control that can fast-forward my life to the point when kids can take care of themselves and be independent...

Other times I feel like life is so stagnant and boring. I just want to take the remote control and rewind back to the time when I was a kid. School life, college life, first years of love, first job, traveling life - always exciting. Just feel like doing all over again.

But today, I feel like pausing at this very moment. I wish life can be stand still because I will miss my kids consuming all my time when they grow older. I don't remember what I did with all my time before they were born and I don't know what I would do with all my time after they grow up.

My son gifted me with his hand prints and this beautiful poem:

" Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small,
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and the walls.
But everyday I'm growing,
I'll be all grown up someday,
And all those fingerprints
Will surely fade away.
So here is my handprint,
Just so you can recall,
Exactly how my fingers
Looked when I was very small.

Happy Mother's Day 2011"

Lessons from a Kid

I was busy clothing-shopping at my favorite store with my son. He saw some random toy and asked me to buy it. This has become a routine for him. Everywhere we go he throws out a tantrum for toys. After buying it, the kids fight over it for the first five minutes and then its charm is gone. It is then lying around in the most irrelevant places, occupying most precious space in the tiny house that we dwell in. Finally when I am on a rare cleaning spree, it is thrown into the basement.

Toys have been mere waste of money, so this time I was very stubborn that I wasn't buying it. He began pleading - "just this one time mommy, please. This and the basket ball and that's it. I won't ask for anything else, he said. I know it is not going to be the last time he is doing this. He was quickly losing temper as I refused to buy it for him.

Firstly I wanted him to realize that he can't get everything by just throwing tantrums. Secondly I wanted him to know the value of money and that we can't afford to buy all the toys in the world. Lastly, I wanted him to know that sometimes we are not going what we want and we need the courage to face it boldly. I was doing this for his own good.

But the argument continued. He begged, screamed, cried, rolled on the floor. Seeing that nothing worked, he started attacking sentimentally. He said "if you don't buy it for me then I will never go out shopping with you again". At this point, I was also frustrated so I said "I don't enjoy going out with you either". Then he said, "I am not your friend". I said, "I don't need your friendship, I have better friends than you". He was silent for a minute and then he said, "but I want to be your friend. I don't want the toy. Can I be your friend again?"

This time I didn't know what to say. I felt choking upon words in my throat, couldn't swallow it or speak it out. Here I am trying to teach the kid "value of money" but the kid just taught me "value of friendship". Somewhere along the big argument I had forgotten my priorities (did I even have one to begin with?) But even after the cries, screams and endless tears the kid had priorities set on his mind. I felt so cheap in front of the kid.

The next day I bought the toy on my way back home. I paid 15$ - felt even cheaper now. I was eager to show it to him, I wanted to see the joy on his face. But it turned out that he forgot the whole incident and gotten past it by then. While he was excited to see the toy, he wasn't overly thrilled by it. As usual, the first five minutes the kids fought for it. Then no one cared - the pieces in the set were all over the place. And it was my turn to clean up!

Explaining "Work" to a kid

My son is very curious about "office" and what people do there. One day he asked me if people watch movies in office. Another day he said: "the airport is so big and clean, like office - right?". Another time, I told him we are going to doctor office. Then he thought office is only for doctors. So he asked if I go to see the doctor everyday.

Kids imaginations can be so wild & unbelievable. Below is funny conversation between us:

Arya: Why do you go to office everyday? What do you do there?
Me: Work
Arya: What work?
Me: I dont know, some work.
Arya: Do you have kids in office like me and Adi? What is their names?

(He thought mommy works shifts taking care of kids. During the day she works in office and evenings at home. Funny how he identified correctly that daddy works with computers)

Explaining "marriage" to a kid

Recently we went to a wedding in India. This was the first time my kids were attending a wedding ceremony. They have never seen one before. Here is a funny conversation with my son:
Arya: What is wedding?
Me: Wedding is a marriage.
Arya: What is a marriage?
Me: It is like a birthday party. People get together, wear pretty dress, have good food and cake.
Arya: Which marriage is this?
Me: This is Indu Athai's marriage.
Arya: Yeah, but which marriage?
Me: What you mean?
Arya: Like, I had 4th birthday, Adi had 2nd birthday... Like that which marriage?
Me: !!!

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A Salute to Teachers

It was over a month since school started. All the kids have settled down except Arya. Going back a couple of months, Arya was so excited about his new school. He called it the big boys school. It gave him a grown up feel.

On the first day of school he was ready quite early - neat and trim, tucked-in shirt, well set hair and above all a smiling face. He seemed to like his classroom setting. While other kids were nervous in the new environment (some were crying), he seemed to actually like the new setting. I was happy that my son liked school right away. As he was quite comfortable, I was thinking of leaving the classroom. He started to cry as I left; I consoled myself that this was only the first day and he’ll soon adjust. The afternoon when I went to pick him up he was all smiles- no complaints.

On the second day he was sobbing in front of the classroom doors; hung on to my shoulders, shed a river of tears and pleaded to take him with me. I felt very weak as the teacher took him inside he wailed “I want to go with mommy …” I left teary-eyed that day. It was getting harder and harder to drop him off at school every day.

Days passed and after about a month and half, I was still the unlucky mom that had to tear apart from a clingy weepy child off the shoulders every morning. The weight was off of my shoulders but sunk my heart deeply for the rest of the day.

I tried all I can - rewarded stickers, took him for weekend outings, picked him up early. I tried explaining to him why schooling is important and how all kids of his age go to school happily. I even tried threatening him that I wouldn't pick him up if he were a cry-baby. In the end, I almost gave up. I found ways to cope up my mornings. Some days I came back home and took a short break before heading to work. Other days, I would divert myself into Google Reader or YouTube during the train ride. I was learning to accept this phase. Kids give us countless tears - both joyful and sorrowful ones, we just hope that the joyous moments outweigh the sorrows.

Then one day, I saw a new teacher in his class. I was worried if this new change was going to make things worse for Arya. But the next day when I dropped him there was no crying. I was surprised and the teacher explained to me that she asked him to promise her that he won’t cry anymore. Later that evening, I tried to ask him what exactly the teacher told him. He couldn’t say it correctly; all I know is that he hasn’t cried at all for the past week (Touch wood, I hope it stays that way) I know he is not doing it because he is afraid of the teacher. I also know that he is not particularly happy about going to school. But how many kids are really happy about going to school? All we want is for them to accept that it is part of life and not to stress too much about it.

Later I thought about it - for what seemed almost impossible to me as a mother, a teacher could do it magically overnight. I was amazed at the power teachers possess. They can achieve and outperform without working late hours like most of us – just simple gestures of kindness and few words of encouragement can change a kid’s world completely.

I’ll finish off here, saluting all teachers around the world that make a positive influence on their students.

A picture with Mickey...

It is the long awaited day, we are visiting Magic Kingdom today. My parents have been telling a lot about this place. Here is where the beautiful princesses live. They have beautiful castle, they ride on a pretty horse carriage. We are going to see the princesses, dance and dine with them... it is going to be a magical day. And I am going to see Mickey. He lives here with his girl friend Minnie. He is my favorite. I eat only Mickey mouse dosa.

Goofy and Donald are putting up a dance show by the castle. People are greatly amused by this show. I wonder why... it is so hot, the sun is melting us off. I see so many fun rides on the other side, I think we should just move on.

We headed to the Fantasy Land - most kiddie rides are here. We went to some rides - Dumbo the Elephant, Cinderella's carousel, Mad tea party... I want to go again and again but Dad says no more. Each ride is about an hour wait in the hot sun. And we cannot take the stroller in the lines. So no place to even sit down and rest. Mom and dad can carry me intermittently but it is not so comfortable in their arms. They keep switching positions and besides you can never rely on them. They can refuse to carry at times. These are the exact same rides that we go on the beach board walk - no wait time, we can go any number of times. I wonder why we came all the way here.

Next we go to a show - Mickey's Philhar Magic. Lucky, only about 10 minutes wait here. The cool A/C is a big relief from the heat. I wish we can just stay here all day. But what is this? All the lights went out. We are shut in a dark room. Donald duck and few other characters come in with a loud music (noise?). Even the big boys can't handle this. It is horrible - the room is all smoky now, I can hardly see anything. Oh! from within the smoke, a ghost or some sort of a monster comes out. It gets closer and closer. The noises get louder. I am scared. Suddenly someone splashes water all over me. I scream at the top of my voice. My baby bro is also crying, mom is trying to close his eyes so he wouldn't be terrified by the monster. Alright now the noises stop and the lights are on finally. Thank god, we are all still alive. Let's get out of here now and never ever turn back here again.

We are now going into Mickey's toontown. Here is where my favorite Mickey and Minnie live. We have to see him. That's why we are here in the first place. Oh, wait... let us just see this one thing before that. It is a giant boat with sprinklers & water leaks. I would love to get soaked now and cool off the heat a bit. Adi & I love playing in water.

It started to rain so heavily. We run into the Toontown Hall of Fame for shelter. Mom said, here is where the fairies and princess live. I always wanted to see the beautiful princesses but now is not the time for it. We have to go back to the water play area. So Adi and I throw tantrums but they wouldn't let us, the rides are all closed due to rain.

When the rains stopped we went to visit Mickey in his country house. Popcorn was popping in Mickey's kitchen. Oh, that reminds me, popcorn, I want to eat popcorn - right now. Mommy... right, I should have guessed... 'No, not now!'. We then visit Minnie's house and enter into the Judge's tent. Here we can meet Mickey and Minnie. Mommy says it is a long wait. But I really want to see Mickey. I love Mickey. This why I came here for... oh! come on Mom let's go. Alright, alright I will be a good boy. I won't ask you to carry me. So after the drama, we enter into the longest slowest moving queue.

I am standing here for about an hour now, my legs are hurting. I've promised to not bother mommy. So I am just going to sit down on the floor. Oh.. this is nice but it will be more comfortable to lie down. I am so sleepy, let me just put my head down for a while... oh, the line is moving - should I get up? No need, line moves very slowly it is not worth getting up to walk just 2 steps. Let me just roll-over. Mom warns me - it is dirty on the floor. Oh.. I know that... but what can I do? I am so tired. Still no signs of Mickey. Adi was so cranky - wailing, hitting and pulling mommy's hair. Mom asks me frequently "can we just leave?". She is going to pull me out of this anytime. This Adi is always a trouble-maker. He is going to ruin all my plans today. Oh good! finally he is going to sleep on mommy's shoulder. He looks so comfortable. Why can't I do that? Where is daddy? Oh, I know - he went to get fast pass for another ride and perhaps he got stuck outside the queue. Mommy can you carry me? I know she'll say no - but after a scene of crankiness, I was on mommy's other shoulder. This was comfortable for a while but soon I realized that if I push Adi off, I'll have more space to sleep. Let me try that.... mommy yells at me and throws me off. She said no more Mickey, let's all go out. No, no, no... I want to see Mickey. That's why I am putting up with all this. So I convinced mommy and our journey see Mickey continues.

It is about two hours since we entered here. Really, I have no energy. I can barely walk or talk. I am so thirsty, I want water. We are stuck in this infintely long queue, no water, no restrooms else we lose our spot in the queue. Finally I give up. I say 'Mom, let's go out. I don't want to see Mickey mouse. Let's just go'. Mom is so mad at me now. Only two more people ahead of us, you better wait now. They finally call us in. Mom & me can barely stand up on our knees.

I can't beleive what I am seeing... Mickey and Minnie are here. It is like magic, my aches and pains are gone. I feel so fresh and lively now. I give them a huge hug. I want to give them a gift. Ah... I should have thought about this before. What can I give... am looking around, can't find any thing interesting. Ah! there in mommy's hand - the camera. That's a great gift for Mickey. Mom gives me "the look". Okay, okay!

Hey! At last we saw Mickey. Great!


I went to school after vacation and here's what I told my class:
"I went to Florida for vacation. I went with my mom, my dad and my brother. We all went to Florida Ms.Vanessa. I fly on the airplane. It was so hot there, very hot. I walk a lot and the sun was so hot. I want to go again, we went to Disney Land."

Kids Art work

Frustrated with scribbling marks all over the walls, we decided to install a board so that kids can sketch freely. The board was a super hit on the first day. I remembered to buy washable markers just to be on the safer side.

Stripes or Skulls - What would you choose?

One Saturday afternoon I went shopping with my son. The kids section in Macy's welcomed us with bright spring colors. I saw several aisles of beautiful girl's dresses in pink and purple. Then it was the newborns section - several aisles of soft pastel yellows and blues, tops and tees adorned with pretty bows and cute little teddy bears. I almost reached the end and I still couldn't find clothes for my boys. I asked someone who worked at the store and they pointed me to the same way that I walked before. "All the way to the end" she said. I went back again and I was astonished to find that only the back wall had some boys clothes. Nothing much! Girls section occupied 60% of the space, newborns took 30% of the space and remaining 10% was for boys (age range 2 to 8). I couldn't believe that I had to shop in this tiny little section for the next years!

I was browsing through the clothes and I couldn't find one thing interesting. I was looking for some casual wear. The tees had terrifying graphic prints - a humungous dragon spitting fire, a dinosaur destroying a city, a speedy car kicking out bikers & pedestrians off the road, a robot shooting in all directions etc. While it is cute for boys to be naughty little rowdies these graphics seem to cross the border of a lovable wildness.

Besides this I saw dump trucks, garbage trucks, bandaged-boy and skulls. I wonder what would be the motivation for anyone to buy these kinds of clothes unless it is for Halloween dress-up. But it was not even the season. These clothes seem to be the spring season arrivals for little boys. Oh and then there was the faded-look, paint ripped off/ splattered screen print tees – definitely NO!!

If you leave out all these then you are left with solids, stripes or checks. I feel like these are very adult-ish. I don’t want to push my kids into these patterns already since they are going to be stuck with them for many years anyway. I don't want my kids to look too nerdy. At the same time I can't accept the way too trendy/ hip looks.

Whatever happened to cute little newborn outfits with sweet wordings like ‘I love my mommy’, ‘My Dad rocks’, etc. Where are the adorable teddy bears, ducklings, cars and trains?

I hope trend changes and boys also get a chance to dress up in something nice and cool.

Firing questions at the Firemen

My friends had organized a tour of the neighborhood fire station for their kid’s birthday party. The fire men explained the various operations of the fire engine, the tools & equipments they use incase of an emergency. I was amazed at how smart the kids were in asking questions.
The fireman took out a long heavy hammer and axe out of the fire truck. Here is a funny conversation between the fireman and one of the smart kids:

Fireman: We use these tools to pry open locked doors incase of an emergency.
Kid: If you break open the doors then do you close them after you put off the fire.
Fireman: No, we don’t do it. The house owners have to fix it themselves.
Kid: If you leave it open then skunks may enter our house.
Fireman: mm… yeah!
Kid: Oh! I know what you should do. If you are there to put off fire in our house when we are not in home, you should call us immediately. That way we can bring the keys to open the door. Then you don’t have to break our doors.
Fireman: Good idea…

Boys vs. Girls

We have some rose plants in the front of our house. Every morning I step out of the house and pick a rose. My son (3 years old) watched me do this for a few days and then he started getting involved with the process. He likes to boss around all the time, so gradually he started suggesting and then ordering me which flower I should pick. He would point at the tiny bud rose one day and then at the big dried up rose the next day. But he never picked the one I liked. Nevertheless I wanted to encourage his interest and so tried to give some hints to pick the right flower. I told him to look for roses that just started to bloom with the petals still intact but not so closed. I also told him to try to find the closest match to my dress color. I reminded him these points everyday. But everyday he picked a big, dry flower and argued endlessly that it was prettiest of all.

One day I was tired of arguing with him. So I told him that we’ll take two – one of his choice and one of mine. Roses are pretty and they smell good too. I asked him to give it to me because I wanted to smell it. He immediately turned around to show his diaper to me. It was my mistake!! I smell his diaper to judge if he has to be changed.

We reached his school. He handed the flowers to me and said bye-bye. Another little girl in his class was curiously looking at the roses in my hand. I gave the two roses to her and asked her to take the one she liked. Without any hesitation she took the one that I chose earlier. She is younger than my son and had just started to speak few words. She didn’t have to be taught to identify the pretty flower.

I just realized that Boys are boys no matter what we teach or train them.

Tanglish

Raising kids in the U.S, I have always wondered if my kids will learn Tamil. I always talk in tamil to my son even though he constantly replied back in English. Initially he seemed to be confused with the mix of languages at school and at home. But now-a-days he has a clear understanding of the mix. He speaks tamil words in English sentences and he uses them in the right context in the right grammatical sense. Here’s some of the funny mixes:
I பாழாக் my pant. -> I spoiled my pant.
My tummy is வலிக். -> My stomach is aching.
வாய் is ஒட்-ing.-> Mouth is sticky.
பூச்சி is flying. விரட்டு இட். -> Mosquito is flying. Chase it away.
I want அம்மா பேசு. -> I want mom to talk to me.
Egg is வேகு. -> Egg is boiling.
Dress is not காய். -> Clothes are not dried.
No மறைக்-ing the TV. -> Don’t block my view of TV.
I துறத்து the குருவி. -> I chased the sparrow.
Baby சின்னி பிள்ளை, I பெருசு பிள்ளை. -> Baby is small boy, I am big boy.
Give me some வலி. -> Give me some way.
Don’t put me கீழை. There is முள். -> Don’t put me down. There are stones.
I put செடி for தண்ணி. -> I put water for plants.
I தொலைச்சு one shoe. -> I lost one shoe.
Sun is கூசிங். -> Sun is bright in my eyes.
This was the best of all: he mixed Spanish, English and Tamil all in one sentence:
Abuella is not in வீடு. -> Grandma is not in home.

Graduation Party for a 3 year old ???

Many times I have felt that today’s kids get it all. I mean, look at the game arcades, and play areas inside shopping malls. The varieties available to kids in clothing, food are enormous. From bedding to doormats to switch plates everything in kids’ room is adorned with their favorite cartoon character. Oh, and the toys –washable crayons, pretend play sets and play stations keep them in their own world. From pizza to puli saadham by son has tried a variety of dishes. From denim jeans to angavastram dhoties my son has every style of clothing and shoes.

We never had this many choices when we were kids. These thoughts were running through my mind as I was running to my son’s daycare for his graduation party. My first graduation party was when I finished college. But I couldn’t go for it since I wasn’t in town that time. And they actually mailed the certificate by post to my home. I did go for the graduation party after grad school but again no one accompanied me; it was no big deal then. But my son gets a party even before he enters pre-school.

I look through the window and I see that some parents have already come. The kids are dressed up wearing a graduation cap and a medal. They are avidly showing off the books and toys to their parents. I scan the entire room carefully looking for my son. I see him sitting in a corner and looking anxiously at the door. His eyes are shiny; he looks like he’s about to cry. I went in and as soon as he saw me he was all happy and smiling. I guess for sometime, he thought that I may not show up for his party.

There were balloons, cupcakes and other goodies for the kids. The teacher was busy rolling up the certificates and tying them with a piece of satin ribbon. I was surprised that the children were unusually quiet that day despite all the balloons and sugary treats around them. After a while, the teacher picked up a toy mike, started calling out names of kids and distributed the certificates to them. My son was anxiously waiting for his turn. As more and more kids got the certificate he started to feel disappointed. He turned around and said “I am big boy now…” Finally the teacher called out his name, he was jumping happing. He got the certificate from her, turned around, looked at me and smiled so happily & proudly as if he achieved something great.

At that moment, I remembered his first day at the daycare. He clung to my neck and wouldn’t let me go. I left him forcefully with the teacher as he was wailing. I waited behind the doors until he calmed down. A month passed and he had gradually stopped crying but not yet so happy about the place. A month later, he started to like his teacher. He was still not playing with the other kids. I was just starting to feel a little comfortable in the mornings since he was not clinging anymore and he happily went to hug his teacher. Then one day the teacher was sick and she didn’t come in. There was a new teacher that he didn’t like at all. Every morning he would walk in the classroom eagerly looking for his old teacher. But seeing the new teacher I could say that he was disappointed. This happened for about a week and then he was happy again when his old teacher came back. Eventually he started developing friends in his class. He was especially thick friends with one little boy who changed schools after a few months. My son couldn’t understand this and he kept asking why his friend hasn’t come. I felt he was not able to say it correctly but he missed his friend very much. Days went by and he got other friends. Now he wants to wait in school until his friends leave or to take them to our home or to go with them to their place. It is amazing to see how far he has socialized in the last one year. I clapped cheerfully for my son as he ran back to me to show his certificate.

I realized how important this day is for him, how much he has achieved in the last one year. At his age, I never went to school. I must have been pampered by my parents, grandparents and rest of the family. I wouldn’t have had this much exposure to the outside world.

I realized kids get a lot these days but in return the expectation from them is also higher than before. He is going to pre-school in a couple of months and I am already worried how he is going to adjust to the new classroom with new set of kids & teachers...

Abhiyum Naanum

I keep thinking – when is it “enough” for certain things. For example, can you ever retire because you have enough money? Or can you ever have enough love or chocolate? Some things are just too good to deny. Wait… is it true? No it can’t be. Kids are good too, but don’t you feel you’ve had enough with the first one? And if you have two, you are probably thinking … “God is there a return offer on either one?”

Well, I used to think in the same lines as you. But things changed one day after I saw the movie “Abhiyum Naanum”.

The movie is about a dad who recalls the relationship with his daughter Abhi(Trisha) from birth until her wedding. Abhi is the name of our unborn daughter. It’s a name that I have rehearsed several times while I was expecting.

The story is a mix of ‘Father of the bride’ and ‘Meet the parents’ but it is nice to see an Indian movie that highlights a daughter’s relationship. 90% of the Tamil movies I see are aimed at showing why a mother is blessed to have a son (who is probably a rowdy hero!). And almost all the mega serials show the burdens and miseries in the lives of parents of daughters. This film was a change… every scene – screen by screen says one message - “daughters too can bring happiness into life”.

The dad goes through a separation anxiety when Abhi goes to school for the first time. He is worried when she goes to school independently in a bicycle. He is torn apart when his Abhi moves to Delhi for her college. He loses his sleep when she says that she is going to marry the sardarji. He feels dethroned when his son in-law gets all the attention. You might ask if the daughter is really bringing in any happiness. But amidst all the pains, at every stage the father is more proud of his daughter than ever.

At the end of the movie you will want to go through all the emotions and pains of raising a daughter. As Abhi’s marriage gets closer, the dad starts to think of his own marriage. He realizes how much Anu’s parents must have missed her when they got married. Yes; Anu is the practical mother of Abhi (oh wait, is that me?) At every stage Abhi has taught him some great family values & respect for individuality indirectly. She has given him a whole new perspective of life.

On the way back home, I kept thinking of how much children transform our lives. Their spontaneous innocent reactions to certain situations teach us humanity, honesty, simplicity, love & trust.

When I got home, I saw my 2 boys sleeping peacefully. Kids are best when they are sound asleep. They symbolize love, purity & a divine peace. It’s like 3.00 a.m. I lie down beside my son, close my eyes and visualize the scenic hills in Ooty where the movie was filmed. I picture myself on a cool, calm hilltop. I am watching Abhi as she picks flowers from the flower bed. She flutters in the breeze and sings with the birds.

Suddenly it gets dark & cloudy. And then I hear a loud thunder; there is a sharp lightning. I am calling out “Abhi, Abhi..’ but my words are lost in the loud roaring winds. I run towards her. A huge rock rolling down from the top of the mountain hits me and I fall down unconsciously.

I try hard to open my eyes. The sun is shining brightly. I see my two boys fighting for a toy gun creating the thundering effect. My eyes are closing; I wish I can catch another hour of sleep. I call out to my husband to resolve the boys fight but receive a deep snoring reply. Unwillingly, I wake up to pull the boys apart.

I think of the previous night and say to myself “Maybe Abhi is only an angel in my dreams…”. In the end however it is a beautiful movie that leaves you feeling like you have read some nice poetry.